Expert

Blatant gin-soaked sales pitch

Pull up a gin and take a pew. Yes, I know it's before 5pm, but it's Friday... And it's the last day of March. Which means it's April tomorrow. A full quarter of the way through the year. Time was, I'd be wringing my hands and screeching what the fuck happened how can it be [...]

Does your "to do" list always look like that snake that's eating itself? Ouroboros?  Never-ending and consuming your time, energy, and money? You're not the only one. I'd wager that 90% of small business owners are slowly consuming themselves. Not literally, but the seconds and minutes and days of your lives. All smashing constantly into [...]

Grumpy bitch + internet herpes = rage

"Just because you are unique does not mean you are useful." "Failure: when your best just isn't good enough." "Believe in yourself, because the rest of us think you're an idiot." Sorrynotsorry. These demotivational quotes make me snort with unladylike laughter every time I read them, because they're about as useful as those wanky memes [...]

How to avoid a soggy death

Tears running down his cheeks, George threw himself into the frozen river and died a soggy, lonely death. Which was a bloody waste. See, he didn't think he'd amounted to anything. Nobody cared. Boo-fucking-hoo.  Well, he was wrong. The whole world fell apart without him. People’s lives were worse. Next time you're throwing yourself a [...]

One-way ticket outta baked-beans-ville

When's the last time you did something brand new? Exciting? Scary?   If you can't remember, may I not-so-respectfully suggest you get off your arse and experience something new? I'm feeling pretty smug this week, because it's been an action-packed few days for me. Flying to Cleveland on my own, getting myself to a suburb [...]

The secret horse-race marketing plan

The horses thundered past, ears pricked, manes and tails streaming out, and the little two-wheeled bikes bouncing along the track behind them. I'd never been harness racing before, so last night was a first.  Another first was standing next to Dan Kennedy as he explained the ins and outs of harness racing. Yep: Name drop [...]

The beige business suicide squad

"Nice milkbottles, four-eyes! Are you blind?" Much of my childhood consisted of hiding from that kind of shit. To the extent where wearing my glasses in public still causes me an almost physical pain. And that was just the start of it... because standing out at school is baaaaaaad news, right? Right. We're hardwired to [...]

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! Everyone's out to get me! There's nothing I can do to bring in more sales!"  ORLY? You don't have to be an accountant with a sniper rifle to get on in life. But it helps. So I was watching the film The Accountant on the plane on the way to Cleveland yesterday, and -- [...]

Pre-brain-mashing Prosecco and eyeshadow

"You see, I don't want to look like someone went mental with blue eyeshadow and a blow-torch." To be fair to her, she didn't bat an eye -- she may laugh with her colleagues later -- but she was completely delightful to me as I sat down in her chair and explained that I'm 37 [...]

The princess and the prick

Just one little prick, and you'll sleep for 100 years... We did wonder if we'd find a tower containing a princess down in the dingle. There were certainly enough brambles to hide one. Enough brambles to make us stare at them in despair and wonder WTF we were going to do about them. Chuck some [...]

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