language

How to do self-love [new podcast]

Lying on my back, writhing blissfully... And suddenly my eyes fill with tears. WTF? This is supposed to be fun, and pleasurable, and generally delightful. And it is. (I was having a luxury pedicure, by the way. I don't know what you were thinking I was doing...) This was last week, and it was my [...]

Your dirty little secret laid bare

"God, I'm such an idiot." "Why am I so crap at this?" "I'm so clumsy." "I'm such a muppet!" "Moron!" You'd never speak to anyone else this way, would you? So why do you think it's okay to speak to yourself that way? Yesterday, I woke up actually thinking to myself, "I'm a fucking idiot." [...]

Business suicide squad destroys sales

Supervillains. Superheroes. Splosions. What's not to like? Well, Suicide Squad, that's what.   Didn't even get to the end of it last night, and it's rare I leave a film unfinished (easily pleased, me)... and a little pissed off that my hopes were dashed. See, I love comic book films. I spend a fair amount [...]

Lubing up your word funnel

People all over the world are choking. Choking on lumpy messages that actively get in the way of them buying. And it's a crying shame. I see emails that are filled with long words and longer sentences, so you're asleep before the climax. Sales pages that read like a drunken spider's staggered across a school [...]

One vagina, no retreat

In what universe is the word "vagina" a profanity? Or unacceptable? In the universe of one my subscribers, apparently. He listed it under his list of unacceptable swear words, informed me that yesterday's email "diminished me", and exhorted me to consider what if someone had left their emails open and a colleague or boss had [...]

Have you been down the noodle mines?

Pot Noodles. Disgusting things, and yet... horribly compelling.   Every now and then, I get a Pot Noodle and I eat it. I enjoy about three-quarters of it, then I'm hit with profound regret. But I'm not writing today to tell you about my shameful secret Pot Noodle habit. I'm writing because they're pretty good [...]

Airline literature is all pretty much of a muchness, isn't it? I mean the in-flight magazines and menus and things. It's pretty unappealing. And I never feel like buying anything, because it's all the same and it's pretty unappealing. Then, about this time last year, we flew to Iceland for a few days for Joe's [...]

The 10 commandments of landing pages

Nobody wants to make a crash landing in unfamiliar and hostile territory when they’re travelling. It’s the same when they’re using the web.   So you have to make sure the most important pages on your website are doing a good job. But which are the most important pages on your website, you may be wondering? Well, [...]

Here's a link to a copy of the best sales letter ever written. That’s not just my opinion either; its accolade is based on the fact that it made the Wall Street Journal more than $2 billion over the years that it ran. The letter begins like this: Dear Reader: On a beautiful late spring afternoon, twenty-five years ago, [...]

BDSM contact lenses

Ever stuck a chilli finger in your eye? Or, um, anywhere else sensitive? No? Yes? Last night, we cooked something yummy for tea. It involved diced chilli, diced ginger, and diced garlic. So far so good. I took my contact lenses out, as per usual; so far, so good. Then I went to sleep and [...]

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