Embrace your weirdness: make more moolah

The struggle is real, buttercup. A burning desire to stand out and be different, to achieve something special... balanced by the soul-sucking instinct to fit in.  Struggling to NOT to get pulled into the same black hole of beige (beige hole?) as everyone else... but terrified of drifting off alone. Every fibre in your body screaming [...]

The Severed Foot: A Bank Holiday Yarn

There is a severed foot on my raised vegetable bed. I swear to gods it's giving me the finger. It's all that's left of yesterday's bloody, gory pigeon massacre. The guts have gone, the wing has gone, and most of the feathers have gone. The foot remains. Because nobody really wants to eat a pigeon [...]

How to avoid the Deadly Deadline Express

"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by." Me too, Douglas. Me too. Do you ever feel like stuff is rushing at you like a freight train? Or like that scene in Star Wars where Luke Skywalker is flying his x-wing along a trench being chased by bad guys [...]

How to spot lies and empty promises

"You want answers?" "I want the truth." "You can't handle the truth!"  Colonel Jessop was kinda right in A Few Good Men. Most people can't handle the truth. You don't want the truth. You want me to reassure you that what you believe is the truth. You don't want me to tell you building a [...]

It kind of looked like something the cat threw up. Not what you want to be looking at when you're absolutely Hank Marvin and you just want to scoff a delicious curry. My dosas were more like don'tsas. First time I'd ever tried to make them, and it was an utter failure. I mean, just look [...]

Ode to the 7,000lb cheese

Picture a 7,000lb cheese. Quite a thing, right?  You could get a lot of cheese sammiches out of a 7,000lb cheese. And it’d be worth singing about… which is what James McIntyre – the legendary Canadian cheese poet — did. McIntyre was active in the mid to late 1800s and was verbose and effusive in [...]

The spiteful trousers of doom

Muffin. There's a muffin top. OH THE HUMANITY. I'm wearing a pair of trousers I bought last year, which I haven't worn for a few months and THEY'RE A BIT TIGHT.  I mean, I've still got rock-hard abs in there but they're covered by a squishy layer of Travelling to London. Specifically, a layer of [...]

Lubing up your word funnel

People all over the world are choking. Choking on lumpy messages that actively get in the way of them buying. And it's a crying shame. I see emails that are filled with long words and longer sentences, so you're asleep before the climax. Sales pages that read like a drunken spider's staggered across a school [...]

The horror of the next 5 years unfolded in my head as I stirred the Thai noodle soup. Joe had come back from fight night at ju-jitsu a little bashed up, and hobbled off to sit on the sofa.  And of course, into my head, unbidden, popped the thought What if he's really hurt? Which [...]

All-you-can-eat marketing kills profits

Twitchy nose. Big ears. Huge eyes. Long slinky tail. Wait a minute! That's not a bird.  That's a wood mouse performing daring acrobatic feats to get to and from the peanut feeder. In fact, he looks kinda like he's performing on the flying trapeze: climb a twig, wave it from side to side to build [...]