Got at least one eye? You’ll do

Things I have never done #3,815: been on a train while it's being overtaken. Bit of an odd experience, that. You're trundling along at many miles per hour, writing away, glancing out at the scenery every so often -- when one of those fast Virgin drunken leaning things starts catching up with you. I didn't [...]

It comes creeping along like a big, sticky, sentient pool of black goo, ready to engulf you. That thing you hate doing.  Yes, I anthropomorphise my hated tasks -- and in my head they look like Armus. (This is where I reveal the full extent of my nerdery) Armus was a sentient pool of sticky, [...]

The stinking circle-jerk of doom

"AHHHHHHHHHHH! OH YESSSSSSSS!" Behold the sound of a bazillion wannabes having a little moment over the latest guru pronouncements on InstaBookApp.  They stare, transfixed, at a copied-and-pasted quote lovingly overlaid on a pretty background and get a little hit of happiness. It feels just like doing something. Plus, they've killed another five minutes not actually [...]

Last night's dirty dishes have never looked so attractive. Admit it: you want to get in there with them and roll around, you minx. Anything rather than start the thing you're supposed to be doing, right? I hear ya. And guess what? It's not doing the work that's hard. It's starting the work. There are [...]

Grumpy bitch + internet herpes = rage

"Just because you are unique does not mean you are useful." "Failure: when your best just isn't good enough." "Believe in yourself, because the rest of us think you're an idiot." Sorrynotsorry. These demotivational quotes make me snort with unladylike laughter every time I read them, because they're about as useful as those wanky memes [...]

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! Everyone's out to get me! There's nothing I can do to bring in more sales!"  ORLY? You don't have to be an accountant with a sniper rifle to get on in life. But it helps. So I was watching the film The Accountant on the plane on the way to Cleveland yesterday, and -- [...]

Glass people don’t have moneygasms

As 15 people have orgasms right in front of my eyes, I giggle and take another sip of gin. Have you seen Amélie? If I had to choose a single favourite film, that'd be it. That, or The Day After Tomorrow. And the orgasm scene always makes me chuckle... but that's not why I love [...]

Inside every goat is an octopus pulling levers. Goats are landing craft for octopodes. Just look at their eyes: goats and octopodes have the same eyes.  An octopus is a smart mollusc... it can reason, it can open jars, it can solve puzzles... it's entirely possible it could control a goat from the inside. And, [...]

Smuggling chickens in Botswana

You know when you put a group of people in a room together and they instantly get on? That happened last night. I'm up Derbyshire with Joe and a very small but select group of my Superheroes -- they'd never met before, and we all got on like a group of people with gin and [...]

Cheerleading in the shower

Just as I think about you in the shower, it seems I'm often the last thing my Superheroes think about before they go to bed. And obviously, I love that. But not as much as I love seeing them get unstuck.  Like Kathryn, who sent this email -- totally unprovoked -- to her list: "Thankfully [...]

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